Regrets

I was thinking about my regrets today, and most of them stem from my mom's death. What I regret most of all are the things that I never asked her about. I never asked her what she saw herself doing in her life when she was my age. I never asked her what it was like to find out that she was pregnant for the first time. I never asked her if she was nervous about having children. I feel sad that there are so many questions that I don't have answers to. I wish that I knew what my mom's dreams were for my sister and I. I wish I knew the places she wanted to go in her life. i think that more than anything, I regret not asking her if she was scared to die. I wonder about all of these things because no one can really answer for her. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not asking her all of these things, but then I think that maybe we both would have felt even worse if I had. I guess I will never know the answer to that, and lots of other things.

Sock Drawer

I opened my sock drawer today and noticed that there are more small precious objects there than socks. It occurred to me that my mom and grandma do the same thing. We are three women in the same family that stash little artifacts in our sock drawers. I can remember my grandma producing jewelry and perfume from smaller drawers near the top of her dresser, and I can also picture my mom storing checkbooks in hers. Why do we all do this strange, quirky little thing, and why did I just notice today that we all do it? This tells me that the women in our lives have an incredible impact on us. I do some strange things that originated with my dad, but most of those can be explained logically. The behaviors that I share with my mother and grandmother are not so easily explained. Oh, and I keep jewelry, small bars of soap that smell good, and old notes in my drawer.

Realization

It hit me today; my mom has been gone for almost 9 months. I was so surprised by this because it still feels like she has only been gone for a week or so. I guess that this is good because I would be really sad if it felt like she had been gone for such a long time.

I cry in the car and in the bathtub. For some strange reason, those are the times that I think of my mom the most, and I almost always cry. The truth is that I cry in the car alot. No one really knows this because I always wipe my face and put on a smile before I walk in the door. I heard that Luther Vandross song "Dance with my Father" on the radio the other day while I was driving and totally lost it. Why does that happen to me in the car, and when I am soaking in the bathtub? Why can't I really remember her without crying?

I have so many things I want to tell her. I keep thinking that I will see her and that I will have so much to tell her that I won't even know where to start. Most of all, I want my dad to be happy again. I can't type anymore.

Picking Up

So, I cleaned out Max's cage and put it away in the basement and now it really seems like he is gone. The more I think about him being gone, the more I think that I want a cat. I feel strangely guilty about wanting a cat right after losing him, but I really feel like it would be nice. Since my cat died about a month before my mom, I think I might be ready for another one. The only problem is that I got a new job and am home alot less than before and I would feel badly about getting a pet that just stays home all day. I realize that most people leave their pets home all day, but I would rather be with them if I can. I definitely think that a cat is better than a dog in that respect, but I would still feel badly. I wonder now if we are meant to have pets. Having another life depend on you is an amazing feeling, and I wonder if we are supposed to experience that, either by way of children or pets. Maybe I just want to feel needed? Why do I want something to need me?

All Over Again

My parakeet, Max, died last night and I can't help but feel like my mom died all over again. Why is it that we associate one death with others that came before? I feel terrible. My mom would have been the first person I called; the sound of her voice would have made me feel better instantly. I wish that I could just stay home and hide today.

Coupling

I think that humans are meant to live in couples. I cannot imagine living alone. I know that many people do it and love it, but I am not one of those poeple. I am not, however, someone that is most comfortable in large crowds. I think that we are meant to live with a partner long-term. I look at my life, and my relationship with Sean and I wonder how anyone would ever want to live by themselves. I don't even like when he goes away on a business trip. This is not to say that I don't like some time alone. I love an empty house in the afternoon when I can sit out on the deck and read, or sit in a warm bath with the door open and the stereo on. One of the best things about living with a partner is sleeping together - I don't mean sex. My favorite time with Sean is when we talk and cuddle before going to sleep and when we wake up at the same time and talk before getting out of bed. I will say more about this topic later...

Guesswork

Sean has the uncanny abilility to predict almost every gift I am planning to give him. He is the most talented present shaker I have ever seen. The problem with this is that I am working hard on a Valentine's gift for him that will be really special, and I am afraid that he already knows what it is. Am I that transparent? Do you know that feeling you get when you are really proud of yourself for finding the perfect present for someone? I have that feeling all the time, except that it is usually squashed before I get the chance to give him the gift. It is so frustrating when I am so excited about it and he says, "you didn't get me _____, did you?" I want to pull my hair out! Is there nothing that I can get by him?! I guess that it's back to the drawing board for me...