WARNING!

What follows might be classified as a rant: I am sick of being treated like a second class citizen because I am in a live-in relationship, but not married. What the hell is the problem here? Unmarried people who are in loving, committed relationships should have the same rights as married people. I am not any less committed or involved with Sean because we aren't married. WE OWN A HOUSE TOGETHER - I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! In fact, I would say that we are more committed than some married people I know who have more benefits than we do. What difference does a piece of paper make? ...apparently alot! Realistically, even if you are religious, the logistics of marriage are legal and only work because of a piece of paper. I am not talking about spirituality here, I am talking about logistical things like health insurance and ownership of accounts. I am talking about rights to see someone in the hospital and automatic beneficiary of accounts. This is not hard people! It bothers me to no end that if Sean were in a bad accident tomorrow and only family were aloud in the hospital room, I could not get in to see him. What has society come to when we only recognize relationships that exist on paper?

Coincidence? I think not!

Let me preface this by saying that I realize this is strange. Here goes... everytime I am in the car and get frustrated with what is on the radio, I end up finding a Prince song. Eventhough I tend to be far from superstious, I wholly believe that it is my mom at work. I know, I know, weird! I cannot think of another explanation. I truly don't ever remember hearing this many Prince songs on the radio. I don't want to be one of those people who throws salt over their shoulder and finds meaning in all things, but I can't help but think it is her somehow. For some reason I can't help but try to think of rational explanations for this, but I can't. Maybe sometime soon I can be satisfied with the idea that it is her.

Pleased

My boyfriend Sean got glasses recently and my first impression was really good. I like the way he looks in them and I love that he can see better. Once I saw him in them a little, I told him that I thought they made him look friendlier. My last statement must be followed up with this: Sean is generally pretty standoffish. Basically, he isn't very approachable. This isn't just my opinion - he really never gets spoken to by strangers. Anyway, I told him that I thought the glasses made him look more approachable and friendlier. He sort of shrugged this off. That was about a week ago. We were talking in the car last night and he said, "lots of random people have been either talking to me or asking me questions lately." Well, it is safe to say that I was pretty pleased with myself because of my earlier observation. "I told you so," was not far from my thoughts. I was pretty excited that my assessment came to light so quickly. Sean, on the other hand, was not so happy. He said he hated that people were asking him to borrow a pencil in class, or asking him for the time. This made me even more excited because it drives him nuts. Really, though, I think it's good for him.

Chalk it up to principles

I think I have a shit list. When people test my principles, I make a mental note that I carry around. This practice doesn't seem healthy, but at this moment, I don't care. Something happened recently that will change the way I feel about someone forever. I may not show that my feelings have changed right now, but I am confident that a time will come when I will have had enough and I will either tell that person where to go, or I will be extremely passive aggressive towards them (fightin' words, I know). That doesn't sound healthy either, but as I said before, I don't care. I think that I am more disappointed than anything in the fact that this person changed my perception of them. I was happy with the way I felt about this person. I wasn't in love with this person, but things were amicable. I think about the shit list thing like a mental chalkboard with tally marks after people's names. I am only willing to tolerate so much before I snap. The snap may be as simple as never doing a favor for this person again. I wouldn't classify this as a grudge, it is more of a "wrong me once, shame on you; wrong me twice, shame on me." I guess that I am just not going to be as willing to let this person have an opportunity to frustrate me again, which basically means that the relationship has been reduced to room temperature.

Regrets

I was thinking about my regrets today, and most of them stem from my mom's death. What I regret most of all are the things that I never asked her about. I never asked her what she saw herself doing in her life when she was my age. I never asked her what it was like to find out that she was pregnant for the first time. I never asked her if she was nervous about having children. I feel sad that there are so many questions that I don't have answers to. I wish that I knew what my mom's dreams were for my sister and I. I wish I knew the places she wanted to go in her life. i think that more than anything, I regret not asking her if she was scared to die. I wonder about all of these things because no one can really answer for her. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not asking her all of these things, but then I think that maybe we both would have felt even worse if I had. I guess I will never know the answer to that, and lots of other things.

Sock Drawer

I opened my sock drawer today and noticed that there are more small precious objects there than socks. It occurred to me that my mom and grandma do the same thing. We are three women in the same family that stash little artifacts in our sock drawers. I can remember my grandma producing jewelry and perfume from smaller drawers near the top of her dresser, and I can also picture my mom storing checkbooks in hers. Why do we all do this strange, quirky little thing, and why did I just notice today that we all do it? This tells me that the women in our lives have an incredible impact on us. I do some strange things that originated with my dad, but most of those can be explained logically. The behaviors that I share with my mother and grandmother are not so easily explained. Oh, and I keep jewelry, small bars of soap that smell good, and old notes in my drawer.

Realization

It hit me today; my mom has been gone for almost 9 months. I was so surprised by this because it still feels like she has only been gone for a week or so. I guess that this is good because I would be really sad if it felt like she had been gone for such a long time.

I cry in the car and in the bathtub. For some strange reason, those are the times that I think of my mom the most, and I almost always cry. The truth is that I cry in the car alot. No one really knows this because I always wipe my face and put on a smile before I walk in the door. I heard that Luther Vandross song "Dance with my Father" on the radio the other day while I was driving and totally lost it. Why does that happen to me in the car, and when I am soaking in the bathtub? Why can't I really remember her without crying?

I have so many things I want to tell her. I keep thinking that I will see her and that I will have so much to tell her that I won't even know where to start. Most of all, I want my dad to be happy again. I can't type anymore.