Are we there yet?

The holidays are approaching fast and I feel like I haven't really savored it. That is strange to think about because the season begins so early now. I don't remember hearing Christmas music before Thanksgiving when I was growing up.

This time of year always brings constant thoughts of my mom. I think of how much she liked to get out all the Christmas decorations and listen to her Luther Vandross Christmas CD. I have been struggling with her loss this year more than ever before. Around Thanksgiving, I started to wonder why I feel a compulsion to maintain my mother's traditions. Why do I feel like I need to make a huge meal with all of the same dishes she always made and with all the fancy serving dishes, teacups, and heirloom tablecloths? Wouldn't it just be easier to have simpler food done up ahead and have people eat from disposable plates and utensils to cut down on the amount of preparation and clean-up I have to do? The answer, of course, it yes, but would that make me as happy. I thought about all of this for the first time this year. In the past I just did what she always did because I thought that was the thing to do. I realize now that I need to make a decision about my life. I love my mother and I miss her everyday, but I have to live my life - not hers. I do want to do things in my life that I know would make her proud, but not at the cost of my own happiness. I am going to try to strike a better balance between what she would have done and what is right for me. I can't live in the shadow of her memory for the rest of my life, and I have discovered that she wouldn't have wanted that.

Time Flies

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted here. Maybe I got over the blog craze. The funny thing is that now I feel an obligation to keep this up because my normal tendancy is to be pretty fickle. I am the type of person who gets in to something and does it obsessively until I am sick of it. I never completely abandon anything, but it is usually a long time before I get back to it.

New developments since last post:

I got fish. I got a cute little aquarium and a few little brightly colored fish to live in it. Norman thinks that I got the fish just for him because he sits and watches them swim around. I have never really had fish, but had always heard people professing the relaxing qualities that aquariums possess. I don't know if I feel much more relazed since getting the fish, but I do enjoy watching them. The little Neons that I got have a complex little hierarchy being developed.

My dad got married. This was an important and complicated development of late. I have never had such strongly mixed emotions in my life. It felt very strange to watch my dad get married, but at the same time I was so glad to see him happy again. I think my dad deserves to be happy more than most people I know because of how he took care of my mom while she was dying. I will be forever grateful to him for making sure that she could die at home like she wanted. My stepmom is great and I am truly happy for them both.

Sean and I had a wedding reception. It seems strange that we got married last year, and had a reception this year, but I have never know us to be much for tradition. I think that most of the people in attendance had a good time. When I think about it now, I am glad that we had a reception, but I am not sure that we made the exact right choice. I have moments where I think that we did exactly the right thing. I also have moments when I regret not having a traditional wedding with a bog white dress and walking down the aisle and a big tiered cake. I might never be able to say that I have no regrets about how we did it, but I can certainly say that I will never regret marrying Sean.

I think that about brings us up to speed on major events.

I have read some great books lately. One of them being "The World is Flat". I learned more from that book than I have from any book in a long time. I almost want to say that they should teach that kind of stuff in school. I don't think that very many Americans truly understand the effects of globalization. I just have to laugh when people talk about buying American to suport American jobs. Soon there will be no such thing, and as a global society, we will all be better off for it.

Norman

Weimaraners

We got a dog right after Christmas and I can hardly believe how much I have changed. I have endless patience and tolerance for his sometimes naughty behavior and dirty footprints. I think this is close to how a new parent must feel - he can do no wrong. We got him (his name is Norman) from a Weimaraner rescue group. He is 5 or 6 years old and has been shuffled around to a few homes in his life. His history might explain his affectionate personality and constant testing of our rules.

I never pictured myself wanting children; I always told my mother that I would never have them. I always thought I was too selfish and wouldn't want to sacrifice my lifestyle for a child. Since we got Norman, though, my feelings have changed. I think I might want to be a mother at some point. The love you receive for all your tolerance and hard work is worth it!