Mrs. Clean

I get teased alot about being a clean freak. I think that people think that I like to clean, but this isn't the case. Cleaning is simply a means to an end. I clean because I like the end result of a clean house. For some reason I have trouble focusing if my house isn't clean. If I try to read a book or do homework, I always find myself thinking about dust on the coffee table, or dirty footprints by the front door.

People also think that I have a love affair with my vacuum. I hear about how no one else should touch it or I will get mad, or about how I baby it. Is it wrong to take good care of something that cost almost $300? I just don't trust that other people won't bang it around. I just realize that my last statement sounds pretty neurotic. Let me just say that I don't know where this comes from. My parents aren't super clean, and I wasn't forced to keep my room really clean as a kid - in fact I didn't really keep my room very clean when I lived at home. I remember that as soon as I got my own apartment, I started with the cleaning.

So, I guess what I am saying is that I want to be left alone. Cleaning is sometimes cathartic - you turn on good music and just start mindless work. You don't have to think, or worry, or be talked to, you just have to move. Once the cleaning is finished, you have a nice clean house and you can relax. The other thing is that I don't hold other people to my standards. I don't ask that everyone be as obsessed about it as I am, I just ask that people who's houses I visit, not live in filth (which some do).

Advice

Have you ever given advice that wasn't taken, and it is almost painful to watch the person you gave the advice to make a mistake? I know that it wasn't personal, but it kills me to see someone make mistakes that could have been prevented. I realize that this sounds pretty high and mighty on my part. I have found that advice is a really touchy thing. Most of the time people either misinterpret it or don't want it, or they feel offended if it is offered without asking. I wonder what the best way to offer wanted or usable advice is.

I think that the key is to leave it open-ended. A standing offer of assisstance is probably the best method.

Already?

I am amazed at how quickly we get in to Christmas mode. It seems like someone throws a switch after Halloween and everyone starts operating differently - decorations must be put up, meals must be planned, and presents must be purchased. Growing up, it seemed like I didn't even think of Christmas unil it started to snow, and the Advent Calendar was pulled out of storage. Is it just me, or is it moving further back every year? I have seen Christmas lights on people's houses already! It seems like I just put mine away a few months ago.

I guess the other part of this is that I am not looking forward to the holidays without my mom. Maybe I am just not ready to think about Christmas, and what it will be like without her around. I never could have imagined Christmas without the center of our family, but I have to. I am in a total daze about what to do this year - should I host everything, should I leave it to someone else, will I feel like celebrating with family? I don't want to think about it, but I realize that I will have to. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing.

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday and I am really missing my mom. I think that it's because a birthday is really about you and your mother. I know that if she were still alive I would have had lunch with her, or possibly dinner. My friend told me today that the first year after losing someone is the hardest because you have to go through all of the special days without them for the first time. I really am not looking forward to Christmas without her.

I voted, which was exciting, but took a long time. I am very interested to see who won, but I can't bear to turn on the TV or radio and listen to all the speculation. I don't want to hear anything until they know for sure. It is interesting to hear about how the entire global community is interested in our election. It is naive of me to think that it only matters here in America. It really affects so many people in so many places. I hope everyone that can vote, voted today.

Journey

Today we went to the cemetery and buried the ashes of my grandmother who died in February. All week I had been thinking that it would be really sad, and that I really didn't want to go. The burial itself was sad, but afterwords my family convened at my aunt and uncle's house and looked through pictures, old and new, and remembered my grandmother. I think that she would have loved that we were all together talking about the great things we remembered doing together while she was alive. The whole thing ended up being better than I had been thinking.

I really miss the cards she used to send, and the Halloween candy that she would give us eventhough we were too old to Trick or Treat. I miss all of the great food that she made, and her smile.

I am glad that I learned so much about my family's past today.

Lifting the Weight

I e-mailed my friend back and told her why I have been avoiding her. I really told her everything. I feel a lot better, but I am not sure she will.

I think that what drew me to this blog was a desire for catharsis. Since my mom died in May, I have been missing an outlet for my thoughts. No one (although well meaning) seems to be able to fill the void. This is not to say that I am not surrounded by people who love me, it just isn't the same and I can't help but think that it never will be again.

Losing my mom has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to live through.

I took this photo of my Japanese Maple in my backyard.

Radio

I got a boombox for my birthday, and I listened to the radio most of the day today. I generally listen to Public Radio, but rarely for the whole day. I have to say that I enjoyed having the radio on, even if I wasn't totally listening to it. I was home alone for most of the day and the background noise was nice.

In other news, I got an e-mail from my best friend from high school. She wants to know why I have been avoiding her. I want to tell her that it is because I didn't agree with her lifestyle in college, and before her wedding. I also want to tell her that I have a hard time thinking of her new-found religious convictions as anything but hypocritical. I was hurt by things that I heard about her in the past, but I never confronted her. I am not sure what to tell her. I still care about her a great deal, but I can't get over the past. I just feel like her behavior has been one extreme or the other over the last five years. I will have to sort it out soon, though, because she is asking whether I am her friend or not.

I think that I could really get used to this blog thing. I had my doubts, and I thought it sounded trite. For some reason it seems easier to say what's on my mind in this annonymous mode. I just hope that I can come up with more drama for tomorrow...