Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday and I can't stop thinking about my mom. I keep thinking that the phone will ring and I will hear her voice asking if I am having a good day.

I am having a good day so far, other than getting over a cold. I have a job interview this afternoon that I hope will result in full-time employment. I am excited at the prospect of having more income so that Sean can relax a little more. I am supposed to go to dinner with Sean's dad and his wife tonight, which should be fun. I will also get PRESENTS! It's the strangest thing that however old I get, I still get excited at the idea of someone giving me gifts wrapped in paper. It sounds childish, but I am excited.

Our Mother's Daughters

I wonder if my sister knows that I would go to the end of the earth for her. I know that I can never replace my mother's presence in her life, but I do know that I can be there for her whenever she needs me. I hope that I am strong enough to be a rock in her life through all the tough patches. I think she might be crying by this line. I hope she knows that she can always count on me and that she can come and live with me anytime she needs to. I hope she knows that I will always do my best to live up to a promise that I made to our mom before she died. I hope she knows that she can call me anytime, for any reason and I will be there.

Crabs!

We went to Chicago last month and visited the Aquarium while we were there. This ended up being my favorite picture. This is actually a spider crab. These things are gigantic in person.

Will I Regret This?

I am wondering whether I will regret not finishing my teaching certificate. It feels great to not be in school right now, but I thought I would have had a job by now. I am only reassured by the fact that my finance degree should help me to get a decent job. The financial advisor that I work for currently is great and I like working there, but they want someone who is willing to committ to working there for a long time and I cannot make that kind of committment. I am just not sure what I want to do yet, but I feel like I am missing out on a good opportunity by leaving a good-paying job. I feel very unsettled right now about not having a full-time job and not knowing what the right thing for my is. I feel like the right thing should be apparent to me, but it isn't. I remeber in taking a test in high school that was supposed to tell you what you should do for a living - my results were mortician or attorney. I think that the fact that my home doesn't feel settled is adding to my stress about things not being in place. I am looking forward to remodeling the room that Barry is living in now. I am hoping that I can get the room finished and things moved back in there and finally begin to feel like things are the way they are supposed to be. Maybe my problem is that I am just sitting around waiting for the answer to bite me on the ass. After all this whinging, I am starting to feel like a spoiled brat since I don't have to worry about finding housing or evacuating because of a hurricane at this point in my life.

I Get Lost

I could spend hours reading on this website...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

Check it out.

It Happens Every Time

Why is it that most weekends I end up finding a movie that I not only like, but own, on TV and I watch the whole thing? I could watch it anytime, right? ...like last weekend. I was flipping channels on Saturday while I was eating my breakfast and I landed on "You've Got Mail" on TBS. First of all, let me say that I don't care what you all think about my taste in movies - especially my sister. Secondly, this movie makes me happy like no other. Anyway, I found it on TV and I was helpless against its power. I did, however, realize by the first commercial that I could put my copy in and skip ahead to the part I was on and continue to watch it without commercials. For this, I give myself a lot of credit - I usually subject myself to the mindless commercials when the movie is sitting on a shelf 5 feet from me. So I ended up watching the whole movie when I had a million other things I should've been doing. I, of course, tried to justify this by bringing things to do in front of the TV, like folding laundry, etc. I am embarrassed by the power that romantic comedies have over me. I am somewhat relieved by the fact that my mom was the same way. I can remember her finding something like "Play Misty for Me" and being captivated for the rest of the afternoon. She too would end up finding something to do at the table or in the TV room as if she were trying to justify watching a movie when she had a ton of other things to do. I guess that the saying is somewhat true for us. "Like mother..."

Do It While You Can

I have a friend of whom I am proud. She had the courage to leave her family and friends and go live in another country for 3 years. I am proud of her because she did something that I admire very much, but would not have the strength to do myself. I am a big advocate of doing as much of the big things in life that you want to do as early as possible. By that I mean doing things like traveling before you settle down and have a family and have greater responsibilities. I always said that that was the road I would take. I would travel and explore and do lots of different things before I settled in one place. Here I am, 23 years old and I am a married homeowner who hasn't been anywhere notable since high school. I am not sure what I want to do with my life, and I am still in college. I am in no way saying that I have any regrets. I love Sean more than anything and I love my house. I just can't help but feel that I missed out on my dreams of living in other places and being free to do what I want. As I try to sort out the right path for myself, I can't help but feel enviously of the lives of others who have had the strength and determination to do amazing things. So here's to you Liz! I am looking forward to seeing you when you come back from your big adventure!

Not Your Mother's Radio

I just got XM satellite radio and it is great! I am sort of a tech junkie, so new stuff like that appeals to me anyway. This was a little different than trying a new e-mail program because of the high start up cost. It was just under $100 for the equipment to make it work in my car and in my house. It also costs $12.95/month to subscribe. I was pretty sure that I would like it because radio commercials want to make me drive off the road, and the mindless chatter of DJs is enough to make me want to scream - like I care about the club they were at last night! Anyway, I fell in love with my satellite radio this week. I got it last Friday. It was totally easy to set up and it was activated almost immediately. There are NO COMMERCIALS! As if this wasn't good enough, there are also no DJs providing worthless commentary. A voice comes on every 5th song or so and tells you what station you are listing to - that is all. I take it everywhere with me. When I am at work, I log in to the website and listen to their streaming radio over the computer. The only reason I survived so long without it was public radio - which they also have on XM. I have been really impressed; Sean on the other hand has been more skeptical, but when is he not? You might hear more about this radio since I am currently obsessed with it.

June 1

I got married yesterday. I really was just as simple as that.

We made an appointment with a judge at the little courthouse in Chelsea and took our close family with us. We all walked down to the Common Grill afterwards and had a champagne toast and a nice lunch. I feel fantastic. I really thought that I wouldn't feel differently, but I do. I love Sean so much and it feels great to be his wife.

Because we celebrated with such a small group today, we are planning to have a reception next spring where we can invite all our friends and extended family from out of town. After that, we will go on a honeymoon. I am so excited about everything that is to come.

I was hard to not have my mom there, but everyone was so happy and that helped.

1 year

Today is the 1-year anniversary of my mother's death. I was expecting today to be pretty bad, but it has actually been pretty good, all things considered. I thought that I would only be able to remember the sadness, but instead I have been thinking about all the great times. It is amazing how quickly you forget the bad things and how strong the good memories become. I remember my mom as strong, independent, and caring. I still miss her so much it hurts.

WARNING!

What follows might be classified as a rant: I am sick of being treated like a second class citizen because I am in a live-in relationship, but not married. What the hell is the problem here? Unmarried people who are in loving, committed relationships should have the same rights as married people. I am not any less committed or involved with Sean because we aren't married. WE OWN A HOUSE TOGETHER - I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE! In fact, I would say that we are more committed than some married people I know who have more benefits than we do. What difference does a piece of paper make? ...apparently alot! Realistically, even if you are religious, the logistics of marriage are legal and only work because of a piece of paper. I am not talking about spirituality here, I am talking about logistical things like health insurance and ownership of accounts. I am talking about rights to see someone in the hospital and automatic beneficiary of accounts. This is not hard people! It bothers me to no end that if Sean were in a bad accident tomorrow and only family were aloud in the hospital room, I could not get in to see him. What has society come to when we only recognize relationships that exist on paper?

Coincidence? I think not!

Let me preface this by saying that I realize this is strange. Here goes... everytime I am in the car and get frustrated with what is on the radio, I end up finding a Prince song. Eventhough I tend to be far from superstious, I wholly believe that it is my mom at work. I know, I know, weird! I cannot think of another explanation. I truly don't ever remember hearing this many Prince songs on the radio. I don't want to be one of those people who throws salt over their shoulder and finds meaning in all things, but I can't help but think it is her somehow. For some reason I can't help but try to think of rational explanations for this, but I can't. Maybe sometime soon I can be satisfied with the idea that it is her.

Pleased

My boyfriend Sean got glasses recently and my first impression was really good. I like the way he looks in them and I love that he can see better. Once I saw him in them a little, I told him that I thought they made him look friendlier. My last statement must be followed up with this: Sean is generally pretty standoffish. Basically, he isn't very approachable. This isn't just my opinion - he really never gets spoken to by strangers. Anyway, I told him that I thought the glasses made him look more approachable and friendlier. He sort of shrugged this off. That was about a week ago. We were talking in the car last night and he said, "lots of random people have been either talking to me or asking me questions lately." Well, it is safe to say that I was pretty pleased with myself because of my earlier observation. "I told you so," was not far from my thoughts. I was pretty excited that my assessment came to light so quickly. Sean, on the other hand, was not so happy. He said he hated that people were asking him to borrow a pencil in class, or asking him for the time. This made me even more excited because it drives him nuts. Really, though, I think it's good for him.

Chalk it up to principles

I think I have a shit list. When people test my principles, I make a mental note that I carry around. This practice doesn't seem healthy, but at this moment, I don't care. Something happened recently that will change the way I feel about someone forever. I may not show that my feelings have changed right now, but I am confident that a time will come when I will have had enough and I will either tell that person where to go, or I will be extremely passive aggressive towards them (fightin' words, I know). That doesn't sound healthy either, but as I said before, I don't care. I think that I am more disappointed than anything in the fact that this person changed my perception of them. I was happy with the way I felt about this person. I wasn't in love with this person, but things were amicable. I think about the shit list thing like a mental chalkboard with tally marks after people's names. I am only willing to tolerate so much before I snap. The snap may be as simple as never doing a favor for this person again. I wouldn't classify this as a grudge, it is more of a "wrong me once, shame on you; wrong me twice, shame on me." I guess that I am just not going to be as willing to let this person have an opportunity to frustrate me again, which basically means that the relationship has been reduced to room temperature.

Regrets

I was thinking about my regrets today, and most of them stem from my mom's death. What I regret most of all are the things that I never asked her about. I never asked her what she saw herself doing in her life when she was my age. I never asked her what it was like to find out that she was pregnant for the first time. I never asked her if she was nervous about having children. I feel sad that there are so many questions that I don't have answers to. I wish that I knew what my mom's dreams were for my sister and I. I wish I knew the places she wanted to go in her life. i think that more than anything, I regret not asking her if she was scared to die. I wonder about all of these things because no one can really answer for her. Sometimes I get angry at myself for not asking her all of these things, but then I think that maybe we both would have felt even worse if I had. I guess I will never know the answer to that, and lots of other things.

Sock Drawer

I opened my sock drawer today and noticed that there are more small precious objects there than socks. It occurred to me that my mom and grandma do the same thing. We are three women in the same family that stash little artifacts in our sock drawers. I can remember my grandma producing jewelry and perfume from smaller drawers near the top of her dresser, and I can also picture my mom storing checkbooks in hers. Why do we all do this strange, quirky little thing, and why did I just notice today that we all do it? This tells me that the women in our lives have an incredible impact on us. I do some strange things that originated with my dad, but most of those can be explained logically. The behaviors that I share with my mother and grandmother are not so easily explained. Oh, and I keep jewelry, small bars of soap that smell good, and old notes in my drawer.

Realization

It hit me today; my mom has been gone for almost 9 months. I was so surprised by this because it still feels like she has only been gone for a week or so. I guess that this is good because I would be really sad if it felt like she had been gone for such a long time.

I cry in the car and in the bathtub. For some strange reason, those are the times that I think of my mom the most, and I almost always cry. The truth is that I cry in the car alot. No one really knows this because I always wipe my face and put on a smile before I walk in the door. I heard that Luther Vandross song "Dance with my Father" on the radio the other day while I was driving and totally lost it. Why does that happen to me in the car, and when I am soaking in the bathtub? Why can't I really remember her without crying?

I have so many things I want to tell her. I keep thinking that I will see her and that I will have so much to tell her that I won't even know where to start. Most of all, I want my dad to be happy again. I can't type anymore.

Picking Up

So, I cleaned out Max's cage and put it away in the basement and now it really seems like he is gone. The more I think about him being gone, the more I think that I want a cat. I feel strangely guilty about wanting a cat right after losing him, but I really feel like it would be nice. Since my cat died about a month before my mom, I think I might be ready for another one. The only problem is that I got a new job and am home alot less than before and I would feel badly about getting a pet that just stays home all day. I realize that most people leave their pets home all day, but I would rather be with them if I can. I definitely think that a cat is better than a dog in that respect, but I would still feel badly. I wonder now if we are meant to have pets. Having another life depend on you is an amazing feeling, and I wonder if we are supposed to experience that, either by way of children or pets. Maybe I just want to feel needed? Why do I want something to need me?

All Over Again

My parakeet, Max, died last night and I can't help but feel like my mom died all over again. Why is it that we associate one death with others that came before? I feel terrible. My mom would have been the first person I called; the sound of her voice would have made me feel better instantly. I wish that I could just stay home and hide today.

Coupling

I think that humans are meant to live in couples. I cannot imagine living alone. I know that many people do it and love it, but I am not one of those poeple. I am not, however, someone that is most comfortable in large crowds. I think that we are meant to live with a partner long-term. I look at my life, and my relationship with Sean and I wonder how anyone would ever want to live by themselves. I don't even like when he goes away on a business trip. This is not to say that I don't like some time alone. I love an empty house in the afternoon when I can sit out on the deck and read, or sit in a warm bath with the door open and the stereo on. One of the best things about living with a partner is sleeping together - I don't mean sex. My favorite time with Sean is when we talk and cuddle before going to sleep and when we wake up at the same time and talk before getting out of bed. I will say more about this topic later...

Guesswork

Sean has the uncanny abilility to predict almost every gift I am planning to give him. He is the most talented present shaker I have ever seen. The problem with this is that I am working hard on a Valentine's gift for him that will be really special, and I am afraid that he already knows what it is. Am I that transparent? Do you know that feeling you get when you are really proud of yourself for finding the perfect present for someone? I have that feeling all the time, except that it is usually squashed before I get the chance to give him the gift. It is so frustrating when I am so excited about it and he says, "you didn't get me _____, did you?" I want to pull my hair out! Is there nothing that I can get by him?! I guess that it's back to the drawing board for me...

Split Personality

Sean implied to me this morning that I am some sort of mutant because I watch Martha Stewart's show and I also, not at the same time, listen to Jay-Z. I can say with complete conviction that this mutant ability comes from my mom. My mother was the biggest Prince fan on the face of this Earth. My mom was far more hip than anybody else I know. My mom had Nelly, Ludacris, and Justin Timberlake CD's in her car at all times. I must say, while I am not a huge rap fan, I can see the appeal of some artists. Now, the Martha Stewart thing is true too. Yes, I get the magazine, and yes, I duplicate some of the crafts from time to time. In fact, I have been pretty obsessed with miniature rug hooking lately. I guess I fail to see where all of this heads south. What is the problem here? Is it a crime to have strange, polar opposite interests? Ready for some hard core truth? I love to vacuum with Jay-Z blaring! The beat is great, and yes, I know all the words.

I see the good...

I must just be the kind of person who sees the good in others. I recently tried to sell something on ebay, and the person who won the auction didn't pay or respond to any e-mails. I was SHOCKED! It wouldn't even occur to me to bid on something that I had no intention of really buying. I am really pissed - can you tell? I am super annoyed by the lack of consideration that I see in other people. Sean is amazed that things like this surprise me - maybe I am just not jaded. I had to file a grievance against the person on ebay after waiting a long time hoping they would pay, and now I may not get as much money for the item.

As a future teacher, I like the fact that I see people for their good qualities. I want to believe that everyone is capable of being considerate and caring. I hope that I can see my students in an objective light after being trampled by society's rudeness.

Revelation

Since my mom died, I have been trying to see her in everything that I do and see. I try to see her when I turn a corner, or when I lay in bed at night. I listen for her voice when I get ready in the morning and when I drive in my car. I realized the other day that she is in my sister and I. I was wrong in thinking that I would see her in other places. I saw my mom in my sister's eyes and I see her when I look in the mirror. I hear her voice when I talk and say the same things she always did. I made the mistake of forgetting about us and how much we are like her. My mom lives in her daughters.

I want to grow up, but wait!

I want certain things in my life to be grown up. Recently, I have decided that I want a grown-up looking bed. I want a bedspread, and a dust ruffle, and pillow shams. I want to make my bed and feel like an adult. This is strange because I want to be young and careless about other things. I like Hello Kitty. Why can't I be consistant? I could carry a Hello Kitty purse around with me to shop for grown-up bedding and not think twice. I think that I am ready, but also not, to be a complete grown-up.

In other consistancy news, I read an article about a group of people who hiked and kayaked in Chile and I thought about how I would love to do that, but I don't really like to camp for more than a week. I can't even go more than a day or so without a shower, but I really thought the kayak trip would be cool. Would I be able to do that? I want to try. I want to try everything.

Heaven

Snow covered trees look like heaven to me. I love when the snow falls straight down and sticks to the branches of trees and creates that white chaos of lines that for some reason calms me. I am a firm believer that organic shapes and forms are the most beautiful. The curves of Sean's back and shoulders fascinate me.

That idea leads me to think about touch. I have only recently realized the importance of touch. I think that part of what made me finally see why it is so important was realizing that I will never hug my mom again. There is something about a mother's touch that just can not be quantified. I mean, other people can touch you and make you feel loved, but none like your mother. I miss my mom.

Right after my mom died I thought that I needed to fill her role in my sister's life and I am finally realizing that all I can do is be there for her. I can't be a mother to her. She needs to be able to grieve just like me. I can't run around trying to do all of the things for her that my mom used to do - that isn't healthy for either of us.

I was thinking that this post would be about heaven because of how beautiful winter is, but it turns out that it is about my mom - I can't say that I am honestly surprised.

Surprise Myself

I have a new passion, and it is bowling. I surprised myself by liking bowling because I don't have any other blue-collar tendancies. I really like throwing the ball, and I like watching the pins come down. I really like almost everything about bowling. The only thing I am not so fond of is the smoking that is common to bowling alleys. I am not very good, but I am not really discouraged by that. I am actually thinking about looking for a league. Sean thinks that I am nuts and that I wouldn't really like a league, but I think he is wrong. I think that people have this perception of me as a snob, which may be true in many instances. I don't think that I shouldn't be open to trying new things, and I found that I like bowling.

The other thing about this new discovery is that my mom would think it was very strange. My mom thought I was crazy when I went out for the golf team in high school, and I know she would think that this choice is very strange too. My family is not athletic at all and watches/follows no sports. They have been shocked by anything athletic that I become involved with - which isn't very much. I wonder exactly what my mom would say about this if she were still around.

LAN

We are having a LAN today, which is cool, but we aren't playing much since it takes so long for everything to be installed. I think that my Mrs. Clean post is even more relevant now that I realize how different I am compared to my peers. I didn't completely realize how different my priorities are compared to other people my age. I keep house like a 50 year old housewife. I think that since I never lived in a dorm or with anyone other than my family and Sean (boyfriend) I haven't really had a good picture of how my age groups really lives. I have some feelings of missing out because I don't go out drinking or throw my bath towel on the floor. I have more than beer in my fridge, and I use my vacuum cleaner at least once a week. I can't help but feel that I am missing my "college years" by not living in a dump. I have had a pretty cushy existence so far.

I guess I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I like the way I live, but I feel out of touch.