I see the good...

I must just be the kind of person who sees the good in others. I recently tried to sell something on ebay, and the person who won the auction didn't pay or respond to any e-mails. I was SHOCKED! It wouldn't even occur to me to bid on something that I had no intention of really buying. I am really pissed - can you tell? I am super annoyed by the lack of consideration that I see in other people. Sean is amazed that things like this surprise me - maybe I am just not jaded. I had to file a grievance against the person on ebay after waiting a long time hoping they would pay, and now I may not get as much money for the item.

As a future teacher, I like the fact that I see people for their good qualities. I want to believe that everyone is capable of being considerate and caring. I hope that I can see my students in an objective light after being trampled by society's rudeness.

Revelation

Since my mom died, I have been trying to see her in everything that I do and see. I try to see her when I turn a corner, or when I lay in bed at night. I listen for her voice when I get ready in the morning and when I drive in my car. I realized the other day that she is in my sister and I. I was wrong in thinking that I would see her in other places. I saw my mom in my sister's eyes and I see her when I look in the mirror. I hear her voice when I talk and say the same things she always did. I made the mistake of forgetting about us and how much we are like her. My mom lives in her daughters.

I want to grow up, but wait!

I want certain things in my life to be grown up. Recently, I have decided that I want a grown-up looking bed. I want a bedspread, and a dust ruffle, and pillow shams. I want to make my bed and feel like an adult. This is strange because I want to be young and careless about other things. I like Hello Kitty. Why can't I be consistant? I could carry a Hello Kitty purse around with me to shop for grown-up bedding and not think twice. I think that I am ready, but also not, to be a complete grown-up.

In other consistancy news, I read an article about a group of people who hiked and kayaked in Chile and I thought about how I would love to do that, but I don't really like to camp for more than a week. I can't even go more than a day or so without a shower, but I really thought the kayak trip would be cool. Would I be able to do that? I want to try. I want to try everything.

Heaven

Snow covered trees look like heaven to me. I love when the snow falls straight down and sticks to the branches of trees and creates that white chaos of lines that for some reason calms me. I am a firm believer that organic shapes and forms are the most beautiful. The curves of Sean's back and shoulders fascinate me.

That idea leads me to think about touch. I have only recently realized the importance of touch. I think that part of what made me finally see why it is so important was realizing that I will never hug my mom again. There is something about a mother's touch that just can not be quantified. I mean, other people can touch you and make you feel loved, but none like your mother. I miss my mom.

Right after my mom died I thought that I needed to fill her role in my sister's life and I am finally realizing that all I can do is be there for her. I can't be a mother to her. She needs to be able to grieve just like me. I can't run around trying to do all of the things for her that my mom used to do - that isn't healthy for either of us.

I was thinking that this post would be about heaven because of how beautiful winter is, but it turns out that it is about my mom - I can't say that I am honestly surprised.

Surprise Myself

I have a new passion, and it is bowling. I surprised myself by liking bowling because I don't have any other blue-collar tendancies. I really like throwing the ball, and I like watching the pins come down. I really like almost everything about bowling. The only thing I am not so fond of is the smoking that is common to bowling alleys. I am not very good, but I am not really discouraged by that. I am actually thinking about looking for a league. Sean thinks that I am nuts and that I wouldn't really like a league, but I think he is wrong. I think that people have this perception of me as a snob, which may be true in many instances. I don't think that I shouldn't be open to trying new things, and I found that I like bowling.

The other thing about this new discovery is that my mom would think it was very strange. My mom thought I was crazy when I went out for the golf team in high school, and I know she would think that this choice is very strange too. My family is not athletic at all and watches/follows no sports. They have been shocked by anything athletic that I become involved with - which isn't very much. I wonder exactly what my mom would say about this if she were still around.

LAN

We are having a LAN today, which is cool, but we aren't playing much since it takes so long for everything to be installed. I think that my Mrs. Clean post is even more relevant now that I realize how different I am compared to my peers. I didn't completely realize how different my priorities are compared to other people my age. I keep house like a 50 year old housewife. I think that since I never lived in a dorm or with anyone other than my family and Sean (boyfriend) I haven't really had a good picture of how my age groups really lives. I have some feelings of missing out because I don't go out drinking or throw my bath towel on the floor. I have more than beer in my fridge, and I use my vacuum cleaner at least once a week. I can't help but feel that I am missing my "college years" by not living in a dump. I have had a pretty cushy existence so far.

I guess I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I like the way I live, but I feel out of touch.

Mrs. Clean

I get teased alot about being a clean freak. I think that people think that I like to clean, but this isn't the case. Cleaning is simply a means to an end. I clean because I like the end result of a clean house. For some reason I have trouble focusing if my house isn't clean. If I try to read a book or do homework, I always find myself thinking about dust on the coffee table, or dirty footprints by the front door.

People also think that I have a love affair with my vacuum. I hear about how no one else should touch it or I will get mad, or about how I baby it. Is it wrong to take good care of something that cost almost $300? I just don't trust that other people won't bang it around. I just realize that my last statement sounds pretty neurotic. Let me just say that I don't know where this comes from. My parents aren't super clean, and I wasn't forced to keep my room really clean as a kid - in fact I didn't really keep my room very clean when I lived at home. I remember that as soon as I got my own apartment, I started with the cleaning.

So, I guess what I am saying is that I want to be left alone. Cleaning is sometimes cathartic - you turn on good music and just start mindless work. You don't have to think, or worry, or be talked to, you just have to move. Once the cleaning is finished, you have a nice clean house and you can relax. The other thing is that I don't hold other people to my standards. I don't ask that everyone be as obsessed about it as I am, I just ask that people who's houses I visit, not live in filth (which some do).